May 12, 2006
Protests in India over The Da Vinci Code
I have just read that groups of Indian Christians are protesting the release of The Da Vinci Code in Bombay by fasting until their religious sensibilities are protected from the ignominies, blasphemies, calumnies, and other poopy behavior of atheists, secularists, relativists, and that ickie Opie!I suggest we in the West take another tack. At noon Eastern Standard Time, instead of fasting, I will begin stuffing my face nonstop until The Da Vinci Code is pulled from theaters and burned reel by reel in the parking lot of Columbia Pictures!
I will devour everything in sight: melons, Rice Crispies, danishes, Triscuits, chicken fingers, ladyfingers, mounds of aged beef! Pizza puffs, French fries, okra, gummi bears, lard! Liverwurst, Knockwurst, Bratwurst, Stadtwurst, Fleischwurst—the worst of the wurst!I will eat until my gullet expands to the size of the Alaska Pipeline and my stomach requires its own taxpayer ID number! I will eat and eat until grocery stores and Wal-Marts, Korean delis and Safeways, are left with nothing on their shelves but empty boxes of those stupid bendy straws!
Vast hordes of starving Westerners will take to the streets in search of what’s left of Luther’s lunch! Children will turn on their parents, parents on their children, neighbor against neighbor, clergy against this guy Phil. The National Guard will be called to maintain order but will be too hypoglycemic to respond. Chaos will reign and madness will rule!
Ach … I’m already too tired from it all. I will nap instead.
